Be Present.

So its been awhile! The past month has been quite busy--- when I say busy, its my mind that can't stop processing and digging deeper into crevices of understanding that I feel void of.

Its interesting as humans our desire to understand to the detail why everything happens the way it does, why things don't happen as we desire them, why we have what we DO have. This isn't all bad but sometimes we need to learn about living in the present with ourselves and with God.

I seem to jump to a space of always preparing myself or wondering what I will be prepared for in the future; a calling, a family, a location. Losses and gains that I will experience in this life that can't always be understood. As a millennial living 3,000 miles away from my childhood I can know whats going on in the lives of those who I love and those really who I have only met once. There is SO much knowledge that is being shared and distributed- having an opinion or a voice is extremely encouraged to a degree that can, at times, be overwhelming.

I have experienced being overwhelmed by an overload. When I have a mind that over- thinks already,  it can at times not be healthy.

I am reminded of being present in the day to day. To 'be still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10' when being still is difficult (especially living in Southern California). I encourage you, be present in relationships, be a good steward in your job and work hard without checking your cell-phone constantly. People need you and instead of looking to your phone to receive this or send it; although this is extremely wonderful. Make a point to connect with people face to face who you can listen to, laugh with, and do LIFE with.

You've got to love because you need yourself back.

This has been a challenging last few weeks. Every so often I get a heavy pang in my chest missing those who I love back in Minnesota. Family can be a tricky subject but in the end there is an indescribable comfort that I was never aware of until I left them 3 years ago.

Not only do I love the people, I love the way that I feel when I am home, I feel peace and joy, there is rest and freedom within me that again, I cannot describe.

Minnesota has loved me back. The people have loved me back.

Its natural for us to love what loves us and to love what is easy to love. But, I am coming to an understanding of what love really means. Listening to a pastor I follow in Los Angeles; Toure Roberts he has been speaking on a series about love. It hit me in that hour how love is distorted and mis-communicated to us from such a young age.

God is teaching me how to grow in love.

We usually believe that love feels good at all times; it causes us positive emotions. However, the true test is loving people who don't love me back or are hard to love. When you don't get anything back. How counter cultural. I wonder who is learning what love really is by having ME around... (yikes).

When others have hurt you its because you gave them enough of you; to expose you. You were vulnerable. But I encourage you to know that when you expose yourself; that person sees, YOU. When we open ourselves up; we shine. Immediately when someone whom we've opened up to hurts us, we retreat, we hide, we cover our shine. We feel unloveable or even mis-treated.

When something is cracked or broken, you can still see light coming through. My friends, we must continue to shine even though we feel cracked or broken. Love doesn't need anything back, it isn't developed in reciprocal relationships. Our destiny is in our ability to love. Love opens doors, it opens relationships and it opens hearts to Jesus. You've got to love because you need yourself back.

To find myself is to love, because its who I am. It's who you are. 

Stick with it, don't give up. In Luke 6:27-30 we are taught, "... Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for tat. Live generously." 

The healthiest version of you is the love version. Even when its painful at times; love. 

When I don't understand the path I'm on and on the inside I am crushed with confusion, I will love. 

Thank you to a God who loves us even when I'm not reciprocal by my actions. He is ever constant. I pray that we can be just like Him. What a difference our world would look like. 

Be the change in your household, your church, your workplace, with yourself. 

You were created by love, for love. 

My time in California has taught me so many things about life, I have grown personally and spiritually so quickly. When we grow, it can be uncomfortable and painful. If you feel like this; know how much God loves you and that He is with  you as you grow. He is challenging you because He loves you and His ability and strength will get you through, not your own. Keep loving along the way. 

Follow me on Instagram @hersoulsparkles

*Note: that this is not encouraged if you are truly in a space of abuse; that is not love. God does not call you to stay in those situations.

the benefits of living God's way

In this post I really want to clarify what God wants for our lives and how Satan convinces us otherwise.

In this fast changing world there are so many messages that are being sent. Depending on who we are some of those messages are more quiet or scream so loud. I think this is great reminder of how much satan knows us. 

"Look like this, listen to this music, know what celebrities are doing, travel a lot, get to a place that you can spend as much money as you want, sleep with who you want; explore, drink as much as you want, be who you want, do what you want. You, You, Self, Self"

He observes us

To sit and observe even a sunset at times is something "we don't have time for". 

The Google dictionary defines the word'observe' as this; to notice or perceive something and register it as being significant; to watch carefully and attentively; to take note or detect something in a scientific study. 

Do you understand how that small piece of knowledge of who Satan is can send us into freedom?Knowing that when you and I experience temptation or lies he has observed SPECIFICALLY what makes you and I tick. He uses the world to influence us for the bad. Can I be real and say that kind of pisses me off? Satan takes that much time and joy to watch me and you fall? To know that I LOVE sugar and its something I'm trying to kick so that person, innocently brought cookies but he laughs when I can't say, no? Purposefully using others who I love to say or do certain things to trip me up. When I was ignorant of this information I would take things SO personally. I would beat myself up beyond belief. But, because of this understanding I can see so many things from such a different perspective. I can know that if I do something I don't want to or someone says something to me that is not kind or encouraging, I don't pay attention to it and need to move on. Ask for help from the Holy Spirit and move on and even repent.

A friend sent me this brilliant excerpt (I'm so sorry, I don't recall who wrote this); 

"I used to look at the Christian life like this: There's God and His great power and then there's satan. It's more like this: There is God and his great power. And in comparison there is satan, like a speck. Like nothing. There is no comparison between satan and God. Satan does not have my attention. Jesus is too beautiful. I don't have time to think about satan very much, if at all. The more you discover how beautiful God is the more you will want to fix your eyes on the gaze of who He is because He is SO good. There are moments where you'll want to think about satan, but oh gosh. I don't want to quit looking at God because He is so good and he is infinitely bigger than any challenge." 

Knowing that I have an all powerful God who desires me and He is all powerful against my weaknesses I can find so much rest. You can too! But, I need to be honest with you right now... I didn't always think this way. Growing up in "religion" versus "relationship", who I thought God was was a mean, condemning God, who expected me to live in the 21st century without having any fun and was impossible to please. If you feel like this too, I encourage you to ask God to show you His love for you; He has a reputation to keep and He won't fail you. I was SO wrong. There are reasons why we as humans are told not to partake in certain things and it is for our protection and it is for our good because God is good. 

How do I know this?

When we willingly surrender our lives to Jesus, God sends us the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit IS our helper. I recently went back home to Minnesota and it was there the Lord revealed to me the friend I have in the Holy Spirit. You and I are flesh, soul, and spirit. It is our flesh that has desires and temptations that can cause us to fall, our soul is deep within us that thinks, and it is our spirit that communicates with God. When you and I sin or fall into temptation it is what Mark 7:22 explains; what is in our heart is what comes out of us. Our outward conduct indicates our spiritual status. When we are in Christ and are of the light these sins do not belong to us (Romans 13:13). 

Why would I want to change? You only live once.

Wrong! You only live FOREVER on the new earth OR FOREVER in hell. Again, one of the most popular songs YOLO that our children are singing is one of the biggest lies known to man. This life is way too short to not serve the Lord. 

Galatians 5:19-26 in the MSG version explains beautifully the benefits of living God's way.

“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.”

What more do I need to know?

I would honestly tell you that the Lord has MORE for you. If you think you're happy now--- just wait! He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Much of my life I struggled with outward sin; drinking too much, sexual sin, living under the worlds standards of needing material items to make me happy, the list could go on... I realized that I was constantly trying to fill holes in my heart for places that I felt unloved or unworthy or just didn't even understand. My happiness was temporary and based on my circumstances. Right now, I have been coming into a better balance with Christ. He is defining my life, the decisions I make, and how I love others. I still struggle inwardly; I fear a lot, I have anxiety about my future, I idolize certain individuals in my life that sometimes I don't even know how to control; I'm seeking THEIR approval over God's. Sin is sin. The difference now is that I have the Holy Spirit helping me, when I wake up or when I struggle with fear I ask the Holy Spirit to control my thoughts and my desires because I can't. Instead of being miss Independent; which I am very good at and something I like; I need to be miss Dependent on Him. You and I need to fight to guard ourselves from desires of the flesh that don't honor God because if we don't we won't get to share in the fruits of the spirit and we will just keep circling down the path of filling ourselves with things that don't make us feel better and often make us feel worse. We are at risk of spending our lives in hell; this is very very real. But friends, there is HOPE! 

Don't settle for the world that Satan is telling you is better, ITS NOT. Jesus has changed my life in so many ways, He is not a phony, He is trustworthy, He is loving, He is a friend, He is transforming. The greatest thing is that He promises that to EVERYONE who believes in Him, not just me. As Easter approaches think about your life, reflect on it. 

Jesus took you seriously enough to die for you, are you going to take Him seriously? 

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For I am now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 

If you're anything like me, you desire to be approved of. As a child we are taught that if we do X we will receive Y and Y is good and what Y has must be good if they want to give it to me if I do X. Of course, there is typically trust with that person... a parent, a teacher, a friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a sibling, and maybe even for some it's our children. 

First of all, you and I need to have an understanding of a few things regarding the trap and freedom approval does to our soul. Addiction is seen in common lack of moral choices; drinking, drugs, porn etc. Well, friends, I share with you that approval is an addiction. Its something that we come to when insecurity hits, we put that selfie up, we check how many likes we get... BOOM! 

I'm approved of by 180 people

OR

I'm only approved of by 9 

You didn't do anything too different than last weeks selfie, so what did people not like about THIS particular photo? 

"Was it the hair? Did HE (you know that one guy you've been thinking about) like the photo... no... ok, well maybe if I try something different, ugh, I'll keep trying. He'll notice me."

Recognize the slavery in this, it can control how GREAT or how BAD we feel. Feelings change all too often to try and keep up entertaining them (sure it can be fun, but it's unhealthy). Let's stop feeding them and watch to see our world change to freedom. 

When I come to the realization of who Christ says I am, this washes up any desire to do these cooky things. Who He says we are doesn't change from photo to photo; from an extra sale at work; from getting the winning touchdown; winning in OT; or running the extra mile. DISCLAIMER: These are great things when we're not doing them to be approved of. 

Seek His approval. When you know how valuable and highly He thinks of you, You will want His approval. This is something I struggle with to this day; I can't comprehend my value. I see others' except my own... I've been bullied, I've been overweight, I've been mean, I've cheated, I've stolen. How could anyone love me? 

Well, similar to my job in retail, we have people who try to return product that is worn, it is smelly, there is hair and dirt... its a YEAR old for pete's sake. Of course it doesn't work because you USED it. They want something new but its not a fair trade. It isn't of value to my company because you'll get something new and I will be the one who has to throw that in the trash. Sorry, there is nothing I can do for you! 

God is so backwards that He takes our old and ugly sin and allows us to even exchange it for the finest clothing; a covering of approval, acceptance and above all things love. I am a part of who He is therefore I am already accepted. When and God willing I have my own children, I believe I will understand this further than I do now. 

But for now, me you are walking to find this road to understanding, together.

As I sit here and close my eyes and see Jesus' face I can cry because of His goodness and grace. This was not always the case, I would sit here and close my eyes a few years ago and be ashamed and condemned- I was so blinded by believing that like Adam and Eve; I sin, therefore, I hide. 

NO! You sin, you RUN towards Him and you will find a loving, loving, God who will embrace you and forgive you. Of course, blatantly sinning can offer further discussion BUT truly even in that, He embraces you and He embraces me. 

Because in Christ, you are approved of. All you have to do is accept it. 

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker, who has no need to be ashamed, right handling the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15 

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It has begun...

... you've now started reading my new outlet, blogging. I've always enjoyed writing down my thoughts, it is also here I decide to share them with you, whomever you are. 

It's been nothing but an exciting ride the past two years, I have gone through only 3 journals but as of late I can't seem to put my pen down. There's something therapeutic about writing out my thoughts. As I was running this morning, yes, I like to run-- I felt God nudge me to share in my struggles, my flaws, and my joys in Him.  There's nothing worse than feeling alone whether physically; human to human, or in your thoughts. The truth is, you're not! 

I invite you; read my soul.